Insecurities

Dear Readers,

Yes no doubt we all have it, or else what are you? Not human that's for sure.
I watched this movie called Beastly today, Alex Pettyfer and Vanessa Hudgens are just gorgeous!
Well it's basically about this guy, and he's well. A dickhead.
Apparently he's got everything a guy could want and need. Looks, Wealth and Popularity.
And he pisses off this witch who then transforms him inside out and shows him how truly ugly he is inside.
She then torture him by saying, "oh you'll only change back if you make someone love you for who you are."
To him that's merely impossible due to the fact that he looked like he just walked out of a horror chick flick gone wrong.
And he falls in love with this girl bla bla bla and she says i love you and he turns back hot but with a heart and cares now.
And when he was all unattractive, he was highly insecure with himself and wore a ski mask.
It's the modern day remake of the Beauty and the Beast!
I felt bad for the dude but it was what he needed to come back to reality. God has given him to much and he hasn't given anything in return.
My point is that, no one can truly be ones self unless they've gone thru shit.


Being bullied, left or even gone through an unforgettable experience will make you the person you are today.
Life is all about choices, the choices you choose puts you in the hot seat you are currently in.
Some people are just well above in the sky that sometimes they need a little reminder to let them know to be thankful that God have just given them a face. Further more, a beautiful one.
Go on and be cocky, but not to the extend which hurts people's feelings who are less fortunate than you.
Some people don't even have a face, so calm the fcuk down tiger.

I know it's kind of cliche to say "oh yeah well i've gone through shit too."
Well actually. I have, but it's not so severe like the movie beastly... . . I was just. overweight, FAT.
No biggie, i was fine with myself until everyone kept saying how much bigger i was in comparism to my twin sister. Well isn't that pretty, to be compared to your twin sister. A skinnier, better version of me.
In my eyes she was beautiful and will always be beautiful.
She got all the guys, and I was the bookworm that boys came to to get answers for a test. ahah.
I didn't mind because that wasn't really my thing back then y'know?
But eventually i started loosing weight because I had this feeling in my gut which goes by the name of insecurity.
"Hey guys, do i look fat?"
"Do my legs look thick?"
"wow my face, looks so.. . huge"

Yeah, it didn't stop. To the point where even I myself was disgusted by my questions, I lost weight because I just wasn't happy with myself anymore.
I wanted to become something the society would respond more to. Something like, skinny.
I lost weight drastically and my parents got worried. No thoughts of worries crossed my mind because all i needed to be was that size 0.
Then i'd be well, perfect.
Some things were different, like how guys started reacting to me. It's funny because, those guys wouldn't have looked at me twice if i were the fat version of me. They wouldn't even talk to me maybe occasionally ask for the answers to a quiz, not for my number.
So why are you talking to me now? Trying to, "get to know me?"
I just ignored those guys, but i got what i wanted. For some sort of y'know, attention.
And yet I still wasn't satisfied.
I found out you can never really feel whole when you do something to make someone else happy.
You need to put yourself first in this sort of situation.

After a few years, i dropped the habit. And began not caring again, like how i used to not.
I made me happier because food was always and will always be my first love. See how i talk about food? Ever so passionate I tell you.
I was less insecure because all that boils down to is.
What matters to you, what makes you happy.
It's alright to be selfish at times, because this is you you're living out. Not nobody else, so do whatever you like and don't give a care about the freaging society for once.
Run around the mall with a bucket fish or wave at everyone you see and
Never let your insecurities take over you.
Because you're not the only one that's consumed with those unstoppable feelings.

Love Always,
ESJ
x

Ps. Doesn't that look oh so good? :)